New York, New York- Ark Palooska, agent and doppleganger for minor marathon celebrity Mark Matuska, has recently come forward with concerns about his #1 client's participation in this year's ING New York City Marathon. No, it's not anxiety over Matuska's ability to finish the race- he feels confident that he will do so in inspiring fashion. Rather, it's the consequences of that success that strike fear into Palooska. "He's got an investment to protect. I hope he understands that," remarked Palooska in a recent phone interview. "We don't have any insurance on that derriere of his. We're not J-Lo."
Palooska was referring to the rumored weight loss that Matuska has incurred during his training regimen. "He looks emaciated. A shell of his former self. Much more of this, and we might start shopping in SoHo," lamented Palooska. "How will the fans react? They've become accustomed to this roly-poly, happy-go-lucky public persona. What happens when that behind doesn't jiggle anymore? Women ages 18-92 are at least 50% of our audience." When prompted as to whether he approved of Matuska running the marathon, Palooska replied he'd "rather see Mark sitting on the couch eating Cheetos and investing in our future."
Close associate Timothy Petrov had additional thoughts about the incredible shrinking Matuska, remarking "I don't care if he's losing weight. He'll always be fat to me." Petrov refused to comment further, instead relaying his opinion via the following sketch:
When told of their concerns, however, Matuska was upbeat. "I understand that there may be skepticism about my future marketability as a reasonably physically fit individual. I nonetheless do not share those concerns. The public has come to love chunky-style Matuska; they're going to love smooth & creamy Matuska even more."
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